The Summer of "No"

by Steven Parker

There's a lot to learn about the word "No" in building a new culture; and for me, this year's camp explored the topic in great detail from a variety of perspectives. The actual theme of camp was "Transparency & Transition," and there were a number of workshops targeted at providing a tool set of skills to help us transition into a different cultural paradigm by achieving higher levels of personal transparency. Yet there seemed to be an unplanned theme of "No" throughout the experience. Not all "No"s are bad -- some can also be good things, as I will illustrate.

No flush toilets

Okay, this one was pretty bad. The grounds were really lovely, but the only facilities were numerous porta-potties (interestingly, named "poly johns" by the manufacturer). A scheduling snafu resulted in the servicing crew arriving for the first time on the 9th day of camp. As one who dislikes even freshly serviced units of this kind, this posed a bit of a personal challenge for me.

No meat

As camp is experimental by nature, one experiment this year was limiting the diet to all vegetarian foods (with vegan options), and the meal offerings varied from palatable to quite tasty. But this dietary change obviously came as a shock to a lot of people's systems, so some "Beano" might have been very helpful in reducing the embarassing frequency of audible interruptions during the after-meal workshops. Plus, I happen to be one of those people who just can't get my nutrutional needs adequately met from purely vegetarian sources. So by the end of camp, I was feeling rather low in energy and was stuffing myself at mealtimes in my body's attempt to get fed. Based on my experience at last year's camp, where meat dishes were served, I'd have to say this is one experiment that failed.

No clothing

Camp was clothing optional; but most of us took advantage of this very rarely, most often in the wonderfully warm outdoor spa or the adjacent open-air showers. On the other hand, on several days there was some spontaneous dancing after lunch and prior to the next workshop; and due to the midday heat, many participants found it much more comfortable to enjoy the music without most of their clothing.

One other notable exception was an exceptionally cute, well tanned blonde who was almost never seen dressed anywhere around camp. For me, she exemplified the camp's spirit of freedom, and also of the family atmosphere, seeing as she was only 4 1/2 years old. One of my favorite camp moments occured one evening when she came running past, exclaiming "Help! My mommy's trying to put clothes on me!". I wanted to dub her the official new paradigm poster child.

No talking

During the first full day, campers were invited to spend time in silence, allowing for a demarcation point between the old paradigm lives they were temporarily escaping and the new paradigm experiences they intended to co-create in camp. Based on later feedback, this exercise was somewhat troublesome for those eager to make or renew connections; but for many it provided valuable introspection and transition time.

Saying "No" and hearing "No"

Another day was dedicated to developing men's and women's solidarity via gender-separated discussion groups and exercises. One recurrent theme relates to creating a safe atmosphere for men and women to interact and be able to freely develop closeness. A lot of safety rests on the word "No". Women in particular need to be able to say "No" to men to feel safe. Despite appearances (and the experience of many men), women are often reluctant to say "No" in an attempt to avoid causing hurt feelings. In extreme cases, they may fear that "No" may provoke an angry or violent response. On the other hand, women sometimes say "No" to something they would be agreeable to because they fear that if more is asked of them later, a "No" at that point would be painful or perhaps not be heard.

From a man's perspective, it is sometimes difficult to hear "No" because it is easy to imagine that it is not genuine (and to some degree, men have been conditioned by women to expect this). Also, the experience of rejection is often much more painful to a man than is readily apparent. In creating a new social paradigm, men need to be able to hear and gracefully accept "No" at any time, even if preceeded by several "Yes"es. Men must also be able to ask plainly for what they want, without coercion or hidden agendas. This level of transparency feels risky, but the eventual rewards are worthwhile.

No fear, no violence

This is a common theme within the NFNC, and the German ZEGG and MEIGA experiments that inspired it. Achieving these results require shifting emphasis from competition to cooperation in society, and the first workshop explored one tool for doing this by examining the consensus process for making group decisions. There's plently of good information on consensus around the internet, so I won't go into it here.

No manipulation

In an introductory workshop based on the HAI (Human Awareness Institute) Sex, Love and Intimacy programs, campers got to practice both giving and receiving expressions of appreciation and tenderness. These expressions include combinations of kind words, loving gazes, and gentle touch. Some people may find, as I did, that receiving complete attention and hearing concentrated praise and appreciation is actually somewhat uncomfortable; since many of us never experience this after adulthood unless as part of a disguised attempt at manipulation. It is exciting to imagine creating a new social paradigm where such an experience is genuine, and occurs frequently enough to be both familiar and comfortable.

No attachments

Three days of camp were spent in a complete Naka-Ima training program, where we learned how our feelings and behaviors are often shadowed by attachments we have to specific results or responses. Learning to get free of these attachments allows us to remain present and experience what is available to us in each moment.

In both small groups and individually before the whole camp, we were invited to look inside ourselves and discover where we had attachments that were restricting our choices or feelings. The watch words throughout the weekend were "Can you let go of your attachment to that?" The whole group exercises seemed like they might be inhibiting, but a surprisingly large percentage of people were able to access some really deeply painful attachments and release them. Shouting and wailing were often heard before or during such a release.

These cathartic processes were so effective that throughout the following week small groups would spontaneously form to address feelings that came up for an individual, and enter often loud sessions employing the skills from this workshop. I found that even when the sounds of such sessions intruded on something else I was doing, it became easy for me to identify with and feel empathy for the person undertaking the release. And on those occasions where someone felt moved to do such work with me, I felt immense gratification in being able to assist in their transitioning process; and I was often left with a feeling of closeness with that person from having shared the experience with them.

The Naka-Ima presenters had brought with them a number of helpers, who during many of the sessions gave unexpected yet welcome back rubs or head strokes apparently at random. I found this particularly enjoyable, since one of my own issues involves a desire for more touch combined with a reluctance to initiate it. During the last day, we were invited to identify a "next step" in our own growth process and make a concrete commitment towards it. An obvious step for me was to become proactive about initiating (casual) touch in my interactions at camp. I practiced this several times daily for the remainder of camp and found that in addition to feeling good, it also seemed to help me form closer connections with those I interacted with.

The presentation ended with a small ceremony to celebrate our new skills, which I found out later was being tried for the very first time. I found it delightful, and I hope that it becomes a common part of the process.

No drum sticks

A party in the main tent (the pentapod) following the first evening of Naka-ima kicked off with a surprise performance by Scott Huckabay, an innovative guitarist with a musical style reminiscent of the late Michael Hedges. He was accompanied by a percussionist who played an unusual drum set entirely with his hands and feet. As you can see from the photo, Scott adds a bit to the percussion himself! The energy of these guys was amazing, and the concert was enjoyed by campers primarily from several affectionate "puppy piles" on the floor.

No lifetraps

In a workshop on Schema Focused Therapy, we learned that negative life patterns can be developed when we are children that become comfortable and familiar yet still keep us from getting our needs met. A questionnaire was used to help identify which combination of 18 different lifetraps applied to us, and we were shown ways to validate and empower ourselves to make behavioral changes and become free of these restrictive patterns.

Some people found this workshop somewhat "heady" in comparison with some of the other very heart-centered exercises we had been doing. I agreed, but I also suspect that this kind of work can help make it possible to sustain heart-centeredness outside of the camp atmosphere. Having been to camp before, I learned that experiencing my own heart connection in camp and maintaining it afterwards require different skills; and I have much yet to learn about the latter.

No video

The Communities Video scheduled for one evening turned out to be months away from completion, but we did see a small sample of what it will contain. When finished, it will cover a wide range of community projects, including those with an economic, social, or religious basis and various combinations. Something to look forward to next year, I guess.

No rehearsals

For the second camp party, two guitarists and a drummer decided to try playing together despite never having rehearsed. When I discovered that they had no bass player, I offered to try playing bass using a small keyboard that was attached to the audio station at the other end of the room (so I'm not visible in the photo). Despite the total lack of practice, most people thought we were a band; and when asked for a name, one of the guys spontaneously offered "Bonobo Joe" (after the wild chipanzees noted for using intimate interactions as an alternative to violence). We played a second time in the afternoon a few days later. I was delighted to have been part of this impromptu musical experience.

No structure

During the last week, the Forum (based on the ZEGG practice) was held three times, once as an emergency "relief valve" for a distressed individual. In this event, people are invited to stand in the center of a circle made by the entire camp population and speak on issues of personal importance. A facilitator helps to draw them out where needed, and to keep them focused on what's really important if they diverge. The rest of the group gives them attention but does not respond until they are done and sit down. Responses are given by taking a turn in the center. Beyond these and a few other basic rules, anything can happen, and it did. Some surprisingly personal issues were revealed to the group, and equally surprising responses were given. Note that unlike some of the other exercises, the Forum is intended for clarity and understanding, not therapy.

An interesting result of the Forum exercise, beyond the clarification of individual issues, is an increased sense of community cohesion and intimacy for many in the group. This effect seems to be as likely to occur whether or not one takes a turn in the center.

No withholding

In the Radical Honesty workshop, we practiced recognizing the difference between what we observe and what we imagine during interactions with others. We also discovered how easy it is to attach interpretations to what we experience, and that can cloud our attempts to communicate. The importance of "owning" one's resentments was illustrated, and how communicating them with "I" statements makes the point clear and more easily received.

We practiced one-to-one honest communications with a third person acting as facilitator to help keep the conversation from drifting into imaginings and interpretations and focused on real feelings and observations. Several people who arrived at camp with existing issues were able to reach new levels of understanding of each other using these tools. Like Naka-ima, these practices continued to be used during various times throughout the remainder of camp.

No a-bun-dance

I had been to Bob and Maggie's Erotic Spiritual Play workshop once before, and was looking forward to their trademark "a-bun-dance" (an ecstatic mix of belly and folk dancing which may include bun-to-bun dancing with mutual consent). I was disappointed that this was omitted, and in general the presentation lacked some of the other sensual and erotic elements that I had previously enjoyed. However, even on a bad day Bob and Maggie create a fun experience, and some of the workshop exercises allowed me to make really significant connections with other campers that I might not have made otherwise.

Does "No" mean "No forever, no questions asked?"

This question came up more than once in whole-camp discussions. In the final group discussion on the last day, I was able to clearly give "No" as my own answer. Camp had shown me that true safety was rooted in communication, sensitivity, and respect. Hard and fast rules and limits are not part of the new culture that I imagine. As we develop higher levels of awareness and transparency, emotional and physical safety will be a natural result.

No regrets

Despite a few disppointments, my camp experience was truly wonderful. The experience of operating from a heart level, feeling connected with so many people, and the constant availability of love and support was refreshing and renewing for the soul. My only regret, if you can call it that, was in having to leave and return to a life in the old paradigm, not-yet-transformed culture. But if each of us shares a piece of what we experienced at camp with the world, who knows?


Remaining campers gather on the last day.